I really have no idea where I’m going with this, or if I’ll even publish it, so it’s probably not going to be my most polished piece of ‘work’ but hey, I can live with that. So, where do I start? Bloggers are not homogeneous; we are not all the same and, in fact, we’re not often alike, even though it may seem as though we are (both to ourselves and to others). Within the plus size bloggersphere, or fatosphere, it could be argued that it’s even more common to think that we are (homogeneous); particularly as a fat person wanting to form friendships with other fats.
I have formed many friendships since I started blogging, on various levels, and latterly I had (I thought) bonded strongly with a small group. Yes, had. It recently came to fruition that I did not share the same political and ethical beliefs as some of the other members and I opted to leave; my only other option being to (unjustifiably, in my view) explain my thoughts and actions to people who don’t see the world the same way that I do. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends whose opinions differ to or are not as strongly voiced as my own; but not friends that I speak to on a daily basis. I cannot ‘chat’ with people I fundamentally disagree with on a daily basis.
It’s not easy to realise that you essentially have nothing in common with the majority of the community that you’ve spent over 3 years of your life feeling a part of. When you realise that you can count your friends on your fingers, fashion for fashion’s sake doesn’t interest you anymore and brands won’t touch you with a 10ft bargepole, you start to wonder who or what you’re blogging for. You think, is there actually anything in this for me? Does anyone actually care what I say? Are people talking about me behind my back? Should I go to [insert event] when very few people actually want to see me and many will most likely go out of their way to avoid me? It’s not easy to realise that blogging and the bloggersphere/fatosphere is perhaps doing you more damaged than good, that constantly having to challenge others and be strong and defiant in both your body and your mind is taking its toll on your already weakened mental health.
I enjoy writing, but constantly pushing my work around in a responseless void is draining. I’m not recognised as body positive, radical or political. Yeah, I know this sounds very jealous/snarky/woe is me, but we all feel a bit like that and sometimes we have to acknowledge it. I’m neither nice enough, active enough nor fashionable enough to be recognised, and that’s fine, but if I can’t even get a handful of comments/responses I may as well be talking to myself, which is effectively what I’m doing right now. I’m talking to myself because very few people will actually listen, and then I don’t want to burden those that will with nonsensical drivel about ‘the internet’; which is what being a blogger boils down to, really, isn’t it? The internet. Dear WWW, unburden me, sincerely, one metaphorical small-fry.